RECURSION

by Syd Westley

i.

i was not born        riotous      i just asked

                                 and asked            and asked                     and no one

      answered                    recursive violence              name it

infinite loop       name it

                                       do you           want the names

                                                                                         of all my dead      trans

friends                                                 i didn’t     think so

                        feminism      is       getting                        in the way

of my                           will to live                    HA                   i joke

 whenever                 i truly mean         something                          it’s okay

                   no one                    takes me         seriously

      anyways                                       more self              -inflicted              violence

name it     (echo)                              (echo)

         name it                       two women                                       are fighting

in front of my      apartment                      they are yelling                    about

gaslighting                                                     they                    don’t

                            see       me

         i always                                                 slip                                       in

without notice 

                                                through

 a hole

                                    (echo)     (echo)

 ii.

i wake up           take my lexapro

  see the trees     have turned               golden         overnight

i wake up                            and

   my body looks                                     the same

my chest         the same         small nipples               the same         my thighs

the same            BURN                                    EVERY

IMAGE             OF ME                         i yell                 at my lover                  i am scared

   to look                   at anything

            because everything                     reflects

                                                                                    my       same

  name it          each day     i call

                                                                        the doctor     each day

i get a voicemail                                              THE DOCTOR        IS NOT

                                    AVAIL

                        ABLE                                        name it            i am vain

like a child                   selfish                                      asking

            for             so much                 thinking                                   i deserve

                                                everything

iii.

my nipples           make every                 outfit                  better

       they are the perfect            size      the perfect                shape

   men stare            at them        women                                          stare

at them       non-binary      people              stare

            at them        i make everyone                                 hot and

                                                                        uncomfortable

                                 it’s been      a while        since                 i had an orgy

          but you            better believe

                        people get on           their hands and knees      to see

    me                 and touch        me

               among so many bodies        i thrive                                     bodies

    lose           form                     i don’t mind             the weight

                     of flesh                people want   me

        and i give                        them   what              they want        name it

i stopped               calling                             the doctor

                because he        never                 picked up

                                                   i stopped                  going to class

because         the teacher        hated me

                        for hating        feminism

                                                            i started                having sex

       because      it was the

                                                truth       recursive               violence               

   could be

                        a                                   delight